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" Black Cross "Written By: Emerald Pillow Disclaimer: I don't own GW or their boys, wish
I did. Warnings: Language; and Angst Pairings: 1+3 Summary:After losing Heero on a mission, Trowa begins a downward spiral in what's left of his life. Rating: PG 13
"Black Cross " Chapter 1 "How long has it been now?" Trowa stared through the rain stained glass as he absorbed the question. He felt numb inside; numb as when he descended to Earth so many years ago. He closed his eyes as the answer tumbled from his lips. "Two years, four months, three weeks, five days, and thirteen hours." A short silence followed. Most people would estimate, or at least take a moment to recall. Even after that, they could only give a round about time frame. He was the first to give such an exact answer. "You still think about it." "No. I only have flashbacks." "Why do you think that is?" "If I knew that, I wouldn't need you, now would I?" It was raining again today, much like it had been all week. "Do you remember his face?" "Every curve." "Do you feel sad when you think about him?" "I don't feel anything anymore." Trowa reached for his coffee, made the way he like; black with a teaspoon of sugar. Adding anything more to the coffee would weaken it, and just remind him of the past. As the warm beverage passed his lips, he remembered the last time they shared coffee. It had been raining that morning as well. Like Trowa, he didn't care of the weather, nor complained when it wasn't what others would deem as beautiful. The memory didn't go any farther as a question sliced through, shattering it instantly. "You haven't felt anything recently?" Trowa sat his coffee back on it's coaster to prevent from tormenting the oak end table. "I have a tendency to shut down when I can't control them." "Does it bother you to just shut down like this?" "Why should it?" A short snicker. It wasn't unusual for Trowa to come back with such answers. "Didn't you like feeling things with him?" Trowa returned his gaze to the rain. No matter what anyone else says, a dark rainy day was just as beautiful as a bright sunny one; mainly because it brought memories of him. "Trowa?" "Yes and no." "Don't you want that again?" "No." "Why?" "I couldn't control it, therefore, it was useless to me." "Would you have tossed aside emotions if he was still with you?" Trowa didn't answer. He only allowed his emerald gaze to focus on the rain. No answer was really needed for that question. "So you just toss aside what's useless?" "If I have no need for it." "You have no need for love?" Trowa shifted his gaze toward the corner of his eyes to the source of the question. The corner of his lip slightly curved. . .the corner that couldn't be seen from the profile view. "Not anymore." "Then why come here?" "I want to know why I can't forget him." "That's an easy answer, you love him." ". . . . .there has to be another reason." "What did you expect me to say? You're delusion for caring so deeply about someone? Or that maybe I had a medical pill that would magically remove your memories of him? That's not how it works. I don't help shut off emotions. I help you to cope and handle your feelings. If that's not what you're trying to do, then maybe you shouldn't come to see me anymore." Trowa looked up at this statement; giving his full attention. Anyone could see the confusion resting in his eyes. "How is it possible for me to have such strong feelings?" "You're the only one that can answer that. I can only help you find that answer within yourself; but first, you have to open yourself to emotions again." "Isn't there a logical way to figure this out?" "I'm afraid not." Drinking the final gulp of his coffee, he stood and headed for the door. "Trowa, wait-" He didn't listen. With or without help, he would figure a way to forget him. No matter the cost. Trowa stepped from the building into the rainy afternoon.
It was 12:45 so returning home now would mean that the house would
be empty. It also meant that he would miss the next bus, and have
to wait half an hour in the rain for the next. He had forgotten his
umbrella that morning when he left. Scratch that, he didn't care to
grab an umbrella as he stepped from the house. When he left at ten,
it wasn't raining. The sky had been clear without a cloud in sight. It wasn't until he stepped off the bus, two blocks from his destination that it seemed the sky opened to shed tears that he could not. Though he was in the downtown area, it seemed deserted; mainly due to the rain. Everyone rushed from their starting point, to their destination in a hurry; wanting to escape the onslaught of droplets. Trowa moved as slowly as they rushed. He didn't have a meeting to attend; there wasn't someone anxiously awaiting his arrival, and the rain could have phased him any less. He just continued walking, like a living zombie to the bus stop. When he arrived, he sat on the wet empty bench and did all he could not to remember anything. Maybe it was the words shared less than ten minutes ago, perhaps it was the rain, or it might have been due to the small tube tied to a rawhide rope hanging around his neck; whatever the reason, he couldn't control his thoughts.
"Not so. I recall someone else despising the sun more than anything else." Trowa clasped the warm Styrofoam cup in his left hand, and sipped the warm contents. He couldn't argue there. He wasn't sure why he held such remorse to the reason why people were able to live on Earth; perhaps it was actually life that he loathed. "Then why do you like the Colonies so much? It's always nice there?" "Because the Colonies don't have a false outlook. It doesn't betray you by giving you warmth one day, and snow the next." "This coming from the man that changes like the seasons." He looked out of the window again, a placid look that Trowa has come to know and understand. In truth, Trowa had always thought that he was at his most attractive when the distant expression crossed his features. "Maybe I'm just sick of changes. Maybe the biggest change would be not to change." Trowa pondered this a minute, trying to understand where he was going with that statement. A small silence followed. "Trowa. When this thing's over, I'm quitting." "What?!?" "I'm through with this type of lifestyle. It's just so leaden. I've spent the first half of my life like this. I don't want to die in a trench." Trowa could only stare in confusion. He never thought he would hear such words from him. Furthermore, he never really thought about death in this light before. It wasn't that he never considered when he was going to die. There was a time that he would wake every morning, feeling that it would be his last. The tone just used indicated a different source for thinking this way. A futuristic one, instead of a for the moment. "I'm thinking about Jupiter. They're setting up new Colonies in that area. Wouldn't it be better to go back to the state of being where no one knows you; as if you don't even exist?" "If you're looking for tranquility, then it's a waste of time. No matter how far away you go, nightmares will catch up. Not to mention Duo. He'll comb the entire universe looking for you." "But still, it would be nice to try." Trowa sat back in his seat, and lowered his eyes toward his cup of coffee. It bothered him to hear such talk. They were finally becoming friends. The first time in his life, Trowa thought he would be able to have at least one stable person to depend on and call 'friend'; now he was finding that he was mistaken. Why should he be any different than anyone else in Trowa's past? Maybe it would be a good thing. After all, every time Trowa did accomplish getting close to someone, they would end up betraying him, or dying. "Do you want to come?" "Hn?" "Try the great escape with me?" ~ * ~ Chapter
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